Kindergarten bullying????

I kept meaning to write a post about the weekend...and things just kept snowballing.  Somehow, I go to write that weekend post - on Wednesday??  I told you it'd take awhile to get the hang of things again.

It's been a bit of a rollercoaster week, with one of my least favorite problems cropping up - bullying.

I'll be honest - I expected some bullying at school this year...but being Kindergarten, I didn't see the extent of it coming.  I wasn't as prepared as I wanted to be to address the subject with Mr. A.

Preschoolers bully. That's just them testing their knowledge of the world. Things such as , "Those are girl colors!" and ,"Your shoes aren't (this brand) so they aren't fast!".  Talking about these types of things was hard last year, because you don't like to see your kid upset over something another kid said.  But they were just words, and generally, the preschoolers did a great job of keeping the physical stuff down.  If someone got hit, they simply chose not to play with the offender anymore.  No big deal.

But I learned this week kindergarten brings out a new level.  Apparently after the preschool level stuff, you develop some manipulation skills.  I hadn't prepared my kid for that.  We talk about telling people if you don't like how they're acting, or telling a grown up if there's a problem.  But not about what it means to be a friend in kindergarten. And where to draw the line.

This isn't a story of rampant abuse, or bullying to extent that is newsworthy...this is a story about preparing your kids.

Mr. A has a friend at school, who he calls his best friend.  We'll call him Juan. I really like Juan, and he and Mr. A play well together all the time.  They enjoy the same things, buddy up for things, and I hear all about it.  School started in July for us, so this was the end of July, all of August, until now.  The past couple of weeks, I've noticed a change.  First it was , "Me and Juan aren't friends anymore, he didn't want to play with me".  That's pretty normal kindergarten drama.  We talked about the meaning of friendship, and that friends don't always have to play with each other.  No big deal.  The next day, they were friends again, as expected.

Then I begin to hear that Juan is having behavior issues at school - the kids all have a behavior chart, and Juan is getting to the point of having to visit the principal.  At this point, my guard is up, and I'm worried about Juan, and what changed in his life.  Not too worried with Mr. A. They're friends, they'll work it out.

But then Mr. A won a special award at school for good behavior.  That set something off with Juan.  When he won the award, Juan apparently scratched at him, jealous that Mr. A got the award and he didn't.  That wasn't okay.  Then I saw Juan hit Mr. A coming back from lunch one day, when I went to volunteer at the school.  Something wasn't right, so I mentioned it to the teacher - mostly my concern for Juan, but also because now my child was being negatively affected. We talked briefly about it, and then I asked Mr. A if he  had anything he wanted to talk about. He said no.

That very night, Mr. A comes to me while I'm cooking dinner.

"Mom, Juan says I can't tell the teacher he's hitting me and being mean, or we can't be friends. I really want to be friends with him, so I can't tell."

The second I hear that, my hackles are up.  No one, not even a kid, abuses my child, in any form, and then manipulates them into keeping quiet about it.

Once I calmed down a bit, we talk about what real friends are. And that real friends wouldn't do that.  And that he needs to talk to his teacher.  But I can see he won't, because he's so scared he'll lose Juan as a friend.

Thankfully, I can talk to his teacher via email, and sent her a description of the situation and my concerns.

So we're working on the best way to resolve the issue for the time being.  I'm hoping it will resolve without negatively affecting Juan...again, I do like the kid...but I draw the line.

I've tried to do some research on this age group, but it seems not much concrete research has been conducted on kindergarten bullying.  But here's some resources I did find that may help others.  Some are stories, some are tips.

http://kindergartenbasics.blogspot.com/2012/08/stop-bullying-it-starts-at-home.html

http://www.scholastic.com/parents/resources/article/social-emotional-skills/bullying-and-teasing-no-laughing-matter

http://www.education.com/reference/article/kindergarten-bullying/

http://www.whattoexpect.com/blogs/mylittlemonkeys/dealing-with-child-bullying-in-kindergarten

http://jasonrenshaw.typepad.com/i_am_dad/2011/03/when-bullying-starts-at-kindergarten.html

Additionally, there are plenty of message board posts and blog entries telling a very similar story.  I tell the beginning of our story here, because I wasn't aware that it would reach this level at this grade, and I want others to be better prepared.

My question to you - have your children faced this kind of bullying and manipulation at this age?  How were you able to resolve it?

Here's to a better second half of the week!

Jess